Cathartic mutterings as I get older...





For this edition Nikki writes again in our "Diary".  


It's a lovely random and "cathartic muttering"  Hope you enjoy......................







There is a wonderful saying that I have recently realised is so true "Friends are the family we make for ourselves"


It has taken me nearly 40 years to finally open my eyes and get the message, but I HAVE finally got it. At last. Thank God.   I can hold my head up and know that I always try to do what I know is the right thing and therefore, most of the time, I have a clear conscience.  I chat to myself a lot - and I'm hoping that you do to, so here goes....................


In my mutterings, here are the things I've considered...........................

I am a loyal, loving and trusting person and from now on will channel all my love and energy towards those who I know to be my trusted companions in this life.  I would do anything for those I love, as the people who are closest to me know only too well.

Things that have defined who I am:

  • My father died 25 years ago and I miss him still. Not always with a sense of devastation any more, thankfully that has long passed, but with a huge knowledge of love and memories.

He was the funniest, most loyal, most loving, most generous person I have ever known in my life and I really was the luckiest daughter alive to have had him as mine - even though it was for only 21 years I would still have rather have had him for such a short time than have a mediocre father for 50 years.


I never doubted for one second that he loved me totally - he told me but I also felt it. I suppose that my relationship with him has shaped what I looked for in a man. My dad could do anything. There was nothing my dad couldn't do in the whole wide world. He could make anything better or solve any problem that I had. When you lose that protection and security in your life it is like being thrown to the wolves -

I learnt very fast that I had many of his qualities, that I was;

  • a 'fight' not 'flight' person.

  • that I have his ability to cope in extreme crisis  

  • that I have his ability to use humour and my personality to turn a negative situation into a positive one 

  • that I like people and I love watching them and learning what makes people tick


I have learnt also that I have his work ethic and am never happier than when on a project or 'mission'. I also have his dogged stubbornness and inability to let sleeping dogs lie if I disagree with something.


On a brighter note I also inherited his ' completely grey hair at the age of 30' which now costs me a monthly wage to keep looking naturally ta muchly for that!

School - hated it! Loved leaving it every day - hated going towards it every morning. Except netball/tennis/swimming/games because i loved games of any kind.


I can still feel a little of the despair I felt back then if someone mentions the words 'double maths'. All I wanted to do was get out of there and go to my horses - School simply prevented me from being with them 12 hours a day in term time and I resented it.


I hated being in an all girls private school and that is probably why even now I hate hen nights and any gathering dominated by hordes of women. 

  • I have learnt that there is no greater pain in life than watching your own child in distress.

  • I have learnt that there is no greater pride than watching your child succeed at anything - no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to other people.

  • I have learnt the fine line between love and hate is very fine....

  • I have learnt that the close friends who surround me and support me are the most important things in my life and that it is very important to always let them know how much they mean to me.

  • I have learnt that i am a really bad loser but would rather be that than a bad friend.

  • I always thought that opposites attract but have recently realised that the man of my dreams was a man who is just like me. With a couple of differences.

  • I have learnt that people who talk the biggest talk are nearly always the ones who let you down hardest.

  • I have learnt that the older i get and the more my body breaks down, the sharper my mind becomes.

  • I have learnt that i have a ferocious, quick temper and slight neurotic tendencies and that i am a truly terrifying person when i am angry. I have learnt to control this.

  • I have learnt that, unbelievably, the purchase of a truly fabulous pair of shoes can lift your whole week and that wearing them can give you more self confidence than all the money in the world.

  • I have learnt that i need a good cry every so often to cleanse the soul.

  • I LOVE old photos and pictures, all things retro and talking about the 'old days'. This probably means that mentally i am nearer the age of 70 than 40 and i just haven't realised it yet...

  • I have learnt that i have spent 40 (ish) years telling everyone i hate curry but i actually don't mind the sweet, mild, yellow chicken one in the Indian Royal if i have it with a stodgy peshwari naan thingy (with no raisins) and copious amounts of alcohol.

  • I have learnt that i really like alcohol and that does not make me an alcoholic.

  • I have learnt that i have mild to middling OCD and if left unfettered i would end up like Jack Nicholson in the film 'As good as it gets'.


Luckily my inherent laziness and aversion to anything resembling housework seems to win out every time. I do however have to open a whole packet of anything multicoloured, for example peanut M and M's, fruit pastilles etc and eat them in colour order!


I of course do not ever do that in the first few months of a new relationship or understandably ! would end up old and alone!


 I also check the car's central locking several times from my front door every night with the plinky button thing. I still can't ever remember though whether one beep means locked or unlocked so always end up walking out in the cold to pull the driver door handle. It's not an illness. It's just being careful :O)

And finally - i would have been a great rock singer/actress/comedian if I had tried....just so you know :O)




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